Harry Potter and the Sixth Book
by Jaded Betty
Summary: A Highly Humorous Account of What Happens Next. Lupin gets married and settles down at 12 Grimmauld Place, Filch has a secret crush, Harry meets his godmother, the truth about Harry's parents is discovered, plus many more hilarious happenings at Hogwarts
1. Aunt Petunia and the Owls

Chapter One: Aunt Petunia and the Owls  
  
Though Harry Potter dreaded going back to the Dursley's house that year more than ever before, he found he had a considerably better time than he ever had there. After speaking with Moody, Tonks, and Lupin, Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia decided that Harry should be allowed to go wherever he liked, eat whatever and whenever he liked, and use Hedwig to communicate with his friends. Dudley, afraid that Harry might decide to sick some Dementors on him, agreed with his parents and kept as big a distance from Harry as he could.  
This was the best summer Harry ever had in his life; but again, that's not saying much. He received frequent owls from Ron at the Burrow, Hermione at her Muggle parents' house, Hagrid at Hogwarts, and Tonks, Moody, and Lupin wherever they lived. He divided his time between reading and writing letters and having tea with Mrs. Figg. He liked her much better now that he knew she was connected with the wizarding world, and her cat Tibbles knew Crookshanks.  
"Tibbles was just telling me that he saw your friend Hermione yesterday," Mrs. Figg told Harry one hot Sunday afternoon in July.  
"Oh really?" asked Harry.  
"Yes," sniffed Mrs. Figg. "She's such a clever little witch; I wish I was. She's charmed Crookshanks so he doesn't smell. Tibbles tells me you wouldn't even know a cat lives in her house!"  
"Well," started Harry, "If you just take some baking soda and put it in a bowl -"  
"It's not the cat smell!" shrieked Mrs. Figg, standing up and knocking over the sugar bowl. Harry was rather taken aback. "Why can't I do magic like her? Why? Why?" She sat down and began to cry, and Harry didn't know what to do.  
"Er -" he said, standing up.  
"Er what?" screamed Mrs. Figg, looking up at him. "I've been watching you for fifteen years, Harry, and you always say 'er!' Why the bloody hell are you always saying 'er?'"  
"Er -" said Harry again. Language was not his area of expertise. "Perhaps," he said, thinking back to when he first found out Filch was a Squib, "you could send away for Quickspell."  
"Oh, you know as well as I do that rubbish doesn't work," she moaned. "I haven't even got a wand. I was never even accepted at Hogwarts; it was so horrible - all my family, wizards." She put her face back in her hands.  
"Oh, Mrs. Figg," Harry said. He was not in the mood for this, but it was too late to leave. He sat down to console Mrs. Figg.  
Harry didn't need to console her for long, however, because just then a large barn owl flew in the window, closely followed by Hedwig. The barn owl dropped a heavy envelope, sealed with the Hogwarts crest, on each of Harry's and Mrs. Figg's laps. Hedwig perched on the table beside Harry, a brown envelope clutched in her beak. Harry relieved Hedwig of her burden and let her drink from his teacup, but he opened the Hogwarts letter first:  
  
Dear Mr. Potter,  
I am pleased to inform you that when you return to Hogwarts this year,  
it will be entirely Umbrage-free. Thanks to the efforts of Messrs.  
Fred and George Weasley, Peeves, Professor Dumbledore, and myself, the  
old hag is currently residing in New York City, falsely registered as  
one Teensy Bohner.  
I promise you that this year no one has been sent from the Ministry to  
keep an eye on anything or anyone, and all of the Educational Decrees  
passed last year have been repealed. You may rejoin the Gryffindor  
team as seeker this fall.  
Hogwarts is a remarkably safe place this year now that everyone  
believes Dumbledore. Our meetings with the Order have been going  
wonderfully, and things are much easier now that the Ministry's on our  
side again. There will be no need to worry about anything this year  
except your studies, which, I daresay if you're going to be an Auror,  
you'll need to work harder on. Remember what I said, though.  
We look forward to seeing you at Hogwarts. Your supply list is  
enclosed with this letter, and I'm sure you don't need to be reminded  
that the train leaves from Platform 9 ¾ at King's Cross Station on 1  
September.  
Sincerely,  
Professor M. McGonagall  
Deputy Headmistress  
  
Harry looked up from reading his letter and saw that Mrs. Figg had finished reading hers and was putting it back in its envelope. Harry didn't ask what it said; instead he turned his attention to the brown envelope Hedwig had brought. "It looks like this one's from Lupin or Moody or Tonks," he said.  
"Open it!" said Mrs. Figg. "Maybe it will tell us what the Order of the Phoenix is up to." She seemed to have completely forgotten about being a Squib.  
Harry opened the letter and read aloud:  
  
Dear Harry,  
You know why you're supposed to go to your Aunt Petunia's house every  
year, but I'm sure you find it dismal there just the same. So Mad-  
Eye, Tonks, Dung, Arabella, and I have worked out a complex and  
detailed, not to mention foolproof, plan to get you out of there once  
again! Expect us Friday. Oh, I'm so excited! This is going to be so  
much fun!  
Always,  
Remus Lupin  
P.S. I got married  
  
Harry looked up at Arabella Figg who was smiling faintly. "What's this all about?" he asked.  
"Oh, it's nothing," she said. "I can't tell you what it is, though, because Remus and Dung are so excited. They've been talking about this for weeks."  
"But what about how it says Lupin's got married?"  
"I'm just as shocked as you are," said Mrs. Figg. "Remus must have eloped over the weekend, I just saw him."  
Hedwig began pecking on Harry's ear; and indication that she wanted food. "Well, I have to go and feed Hedwig. It was nice visiting," said Harry, glad of an excuse to leave. He really wanted to write to Ron and Hermione about the letters he'd just received.  
  
Harry puzzled over his letters for the next couple of days. Why did Professor McGonagall send him a letter so full of information? Wasn't she worried it would be intercepted? She had even mentioned the Order of the Phoenix! And who did Lupin marry? He was happy for him, but definitely irritated that he hadn't told him who it was. At any rate, Harry was anxious for the escape plan. He was starting to get bored with stories about Tibbles.  
Finally Friday arrived, but right as it did Harry could see that maybe Lupin's plan wasn't entirely foolproof. Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon were having a party for Dudley because he had recently turned sixteen. All of his punk friends and all of his relatives were coming, and Harry wasn't invited. Naturally, he decided to go over to Mrs. Figg's.  
Harry sat on Mrs. Figg's porch hours later, watching the party take place across the street. The people were divided in the yard. Dudley and his gang were on one side, drinking beer and knocking things over, and the family was on the other side, all looking rather nervous. "I think this party's going well," said Harry to Mrs. Figg.  
"I don't know why those poor people bother," she said. "That boy is so bad; he appreciates nothing his parents give him."  
"They don't know the difference," Harry said.  
"Such a pity," said Mrs. Figg, shaking her head. "They're so naive, Muggles."  
Harry was just about nod in assent, but all of a sudden, three things happened all at once: Dudley stumbled and fell on top of the makeshift wet bar, Aunt Petunia panicked and ran across the yard, and a flock of at least twenty-five owls swooped out of the sky and onto Aunt Petunia.  
Harry and Mrs. Figg watched the whole thing happen with looks of surprise and glee on their faces. Aunt Petunia screamed as the owls came down upon her. The relatives weren't sure if they should help her or run for their lives, so they stood there and screamed. Dudley got up from the smashed wet bar and watched stupidly as his mother was lifted and taken into the sky. The owls took her up in the sky and flew away with her, the whole time, Uncle Vernon on the ground calling up to the owls to unhand his wife.  
"Lupin!" Harry whispered. He stood up and began surveying the lawn for any sign of one of the conspirators. When he didn't see anybody, he turned to Mrs. Figg and said, "This was a wonderful plan! No wonder Lupin was excited!"  
"What?" said Mrs. Figg.  
Harry looked confused. "This wasn't the plan?" he asked. "No, no, heavens no!" replied Mrs. Figg, standing up to take a better look at the mayhem across the street. "No, this was just a lucky coincidence. Remus and the others aren't expected until tonight."  
  
Shortly after the episode with the owls, the party broke up, and Dudley and Uncle Vernon, not having been able to recover Aunt Petunia, walked sulkily into the house. Harry bade Mrs. Figg goodbye and walked back to 4 Privet Drive as well. Neither his uncle nor his cousin acknowledged his presence when he came in the house, so he just went upstairs to make sure he had everything packed. Time passed slowly, and after a while, Harry began to doze off. He was awoken hours later by what sounded like a gunshot. He looked out the window: It was dark outside, but still early. He looked down, and what he saw amazed him. Mrs. Figg was driving by slowly, pointing a gun out her window. Four shadowy figures, three male and one female who was dressed like a ho, approached the door. Two of the men stood back. The doorbell rang, and Harry heard Uncle Vernon answer it. "Hello, you must be Vernon Dursley," said a voice Harry recognized. Uncle Vernon grunted suspiciously. "You have a rather odd neighbor," the man said. "Apparently she seems to think she was part of a gangsta drive by." Harry, who was now standing at the top of the stairs, saw Uncle Vernon try to sneak a look out the door, but was prohibit from seeing anything because at that precise moment, Mad-Eye Moody and Mundungus Fletcher walked in the door and up the stairs. They motioned for Harry to keep silent, so he stood silently at the top of the stairs watching the scene below while Mad- Eye and Dung fetched his things. The woman had also entered the house, and from the looks of it, was trying to seduce Uncle Vernon. The man, whom Harry now saw was Lupin, was walking around the hall examining things saying, "Yes, yes, I'll just have to question the neighbors. I've sent my cronies upstairs to grab Harry Potter." Lupin looked over at the woman and she looked back with a look in her eye like everything was going according to planned. However, Uncle Vernon was beginning to figure things out. "Hey, you're one of his friends, aren't you?" he spat at Lupin. "You were there at the train station!" Lupin had to think fast. He flicked the light switch on and off - perhaps a signal. It must have been a signal, Harry thought, because he heard a squeal of tires outside and another gun shot. He turned around and saw that Mrs. Figg had not fired her gun, and instead Moody and Mundungus Disapparated with all of Harry's belongings. "Well, perhaps you'll want to tell him his friends are here," Lupin said calmly to Uncle Vernon. "Harry! Your friends have come to fetch you!" Uncle Vernon shouted upstairs. "His werewolf friends." "Your werewolf frie - what?!" Uncle Vernon picked up a vase and started brandishing it at Lupin. "You're a werewolf? I'll get you!" "Oh no you won't!" It was the woman who said this. She pulled out a wand and pointed it at Uncle Vernon. "Get Harry," she said. Harry wondered if this woman was Lupin's new wife. She was very pretty with her long brown hair, shocking blue eyes, and full red lips. Harry felt that if this woman was Lupin's wife, he would rather like to be Lupin tonight. Harry's daydreams were interrupted by none other than Lupin himself who bounded up the stairs for Harry. "When I give the signal," he said, "run outside and jump into Mrs. Figg's car." Lupin turned around and blasted open the door with his wand. "Nymphie, go!" he yelled, and the woman turned around and ran outside. Lupin jumped over the railing and landed in front of Uncle Vernon. "It's time for me to go," he said simply. He raised one eyebrow and Harry took that to mean the signal. He ran outside and jumped into the backseat of Mrs. Figg's wide convertible. The beautiful woman was in the passenger seat; Mrs. Figg behind the wheel. Before Harry had a chance to say anything, or indeed before Lupin was out of the house, the car started moving. They squealed once around the block and were passing 4 Privet Drive again when Lupin ran out of the house, hurtled a dustbin, and dove headfirst into the car. "That went well," said Mrs. Figg, not taking her eyes off the road. "You really think so?" asked Lupin eagerly. "I've been practicing that dive for weeks." Harry was just about to ask Lupin if the woman in the front seat was his wife, but she was slowly morphing back into Tonks. "Hiya Harry!" she said, turning around in her seat." "Hi Tonks," Harry said. "Hi Moony. Mrs. Figg, what did you just do?" "I'm not entirely sure," Mrs. Figg said. "It was part of the plan. I'm going to drive you home." When he saw Harry looking apprehensive, she said, "We're going to Remus' home. And I didn't really fire the gun." "So Harry, how was your holiday?" Lupin asked Harry. "It was good," Harry sad. "Yes," said Mrs. Figg. "He had me to keep me company." They drove the Muggle way for a really long time, and it was barely sunrise when they approached Grimmauld Place. "What are we doing here?" Harry asked. "I just move here," said Lupin. "I needed a bigger place because - " He trailed off, but Harry knew he was going to say something about how he got married. He still hadn't told Harry who his wife was. "OK, everybody out!" called Mrs. Figg as she stopped the car. She got out, and so did Harry, Tonks, and Lupin. As Number Twelve came into view, Harry could see Mad-Eye Moody and Mundungus Fletcher standing on the porch with Harry's trunk. "Go on inside Harry," said Moody. "Mrs. Lupin is making breakfast downstairs." "OK," said Harry tiredly. He opened the door and walked inside. "Hello Mrs. Black," he sighed as the portrait in the foyer began to holler. He walked through the hallway and noticed that the House of Black was looking much brighter since it had become the House of Lupin. Harry was suddenly startled as someone came running down the stairs screaming. It was a woman with tightly curled hair and an acid green dressing grown. "Shut up, you miserable old hag!" she screamed at the portrait. She seemed to have heard Harry gasp, because she turned around and Harry saw who she was. "Rita Skeeter?" he asked, disbelieving. "What are *you* doing here?" She shot Harry a look just as disbelieving as his. Meanwhile, Lupin had just walked in the door. "What are you doing here?" she asked Harry. "I live here! I'm married to him!" 


	2. Grimmauld Revisited

Chapter Two: Grimmauld Revisited  
  
Harry was shocked; he didn't know what to say. He just stood there with his mouth gaping.  
"What an epiphany!" said Rita furiously. She pulled her wand out and a flying pig erupted from the end of it. "There you go," she said irritably as she stormed down the stairs to the kitchen.  
"What's eating her?" asked Mundungus Fletcher.  
Lupin looked at his watch. "It's not five yet, and that one's already screaming," he said, jerking his head toward Mrs. Black. He smiled weakly at Harry who was scowling.  
"Why her?" Harry asked.  
Lupin looked down at his feet and muttered something about love.  
"A werewolf is living in the house of Black!" screamed the portrait.  
  
"Shut your hole!" yelled Mundungus and he and Lupin pulled the curtains shut in front of Mrs. Black. "Locomotor trunk," said Moody quietly. Harry's trunk lifted a few feet from the ground and Moody directed it up the stairs.  
"You'll have the same room you had when you stayed here last summer," said Lupin. "Go up there and get your room set up and then come downstairs for breakfast."  
Harry hesitated before smiling at Lupin, and then he followed Moody up the steps to his bedroom. When he got there, he found that the room was considerably different from the way it was last summer.  
The walls had been painted a lovely shade of light blue, and the wood floors were polished. There was only one bed in the room now, which was also polished, and covered in new pinstriped bed sheets. The soot was gone from the fireplace and a fire was crackling merrily inside it. Some revived lace curtains that Harry recognized from the drawing room hung from the windows. The only thing that was the same about the room was the portrait of Phineas Nigellus.  
"Back again Harry?" he asked.  
"Yes," said Harry, opening the window to let Hedwig out.  
"I'm glad you're here to keep me company," sighed Phineas. "As soon as the Lupins moved in they killed Kreacher and Becky's right pissed."  
"Becky?" asked Harry.  
"Becky, downstairs."  
"Sirius's mum?"  
"Yeah," said Phineas. "Pity about Sirius; he was all right."  
Harry felt another one of his tantrums coming on. He balled up his fists and started to scream at Phineas.  
"Oh shut up!" Phineas screamed. "You're as bad as Becky!" He put his fingers in his ears and sang, "La la la la la!!"  
"You're like a child!" screamed Harry. He turned to leave the bedroom. As he walked down the hallway he felt a strange feeling inside him as he saw Kreacher's head mounted on the wall, his wrinkled face frozen in an ugly smile.  
Harry made his way down to the basement where the kitchen was. The table was set and Tonks, Mad-Eye, Dung, Mrs. Figg, and Lupin were already sitting down. "Have a seat, Harry," said Mrs. Figg, motioning to an empty chair.  
"Breakfast is ready," said Rita Skeeter, coming over to the table carrying several white bags. She set the bags on the table and started pulling submarine sandwiches out of them and passing them out to everyone.  
"Er -," said Harry. Mrs. Figg glared at him. "Um, Miss Skeeter?" Harry asked.  
"It's Mrs. Lupin now," said Rita, eyeing the ring on her finger fondly.  
"Why are we having subs for breakfast?"  
"Remus and I are on the Subway diet like Jared," she said.  
"Oh," Harry said. He looked around at everybody else at the table and, seeing that they seemed to think this a reasonable enough explanation, began to eat his sub. The fact that it was just after five in the morning didn't seem to bother anybody.  
After breakfast Harry, who was rather tired after having been up all night, went upstairs to bed. He was pleased to see that when he got in his room, Phineas Nigellus had gone and Harry was free to sleep in peace.  
While Harry slept, he dreamt that he was standing outside of 12 Grimmauld Place, only the house didn't disappear. He watched as Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Cho, Lupin, Tonks, Mrs. Figg, Moody, Neville, and loads of other people walked into the house. When the door slammed shut behind the last person (Luna Lovegood), Harry could hear Mrs. Black screaming, "The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches.Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies.the Dark Lord will mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not.and either must die at the hand of the other, for neither can live while the other survives.The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies."  
Then Harry spoke, and it was in the high cold voice of Voldemort: "Do it now, Bellatrix!" he commanded. Bellatrix Lestrange took a can of gasoline and started pouring it all around the house. Then she lit a match and.  
"AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!" screamed Harry as he awoke with his scar searing. He rolled around on the ground, twisted in his covers. He heard footsteps enter the room.  
"So it is true," said the voice of Rita Skeeter. "I thought I just made up the bit about you frequently spasing in your dreams. Anyway, you slept all day. Remus told me to come and get you for dinner."  
"What are we having?" asked Harry groggily as he sat up and put on his glasses.  
"Subs."  
Life at Number Twelve was certainly more enjoyable than life at Number Four, but the presence of Rita Skeeter, the screams of Mrs. Black, and the knowledge that the next meal would always be a sub saw to it that Harry wasn't having the time of his life. That, and the fact that since the Fifth Book, Harry had been going through what Muggles would diagnose as a mild case of bipolar disorder.  
Finally, one week before his return to Hogwarts, Lupin said, "I'm sure you'll be pleased to know that your friends Ron, Hermione, and Ginny will be spending the last week before school with us."  
"Why do they have to come?" asked Harry, his temper getting the better of him.  
"Because they just do!" Lupin replied. "There's a pattern in things, you'll come to know Harry. Everything that happens every year of your schooling follows a definite pattern, and your visiting with your friends is part of that pattern. So they're coming tomorrow, whether you like it or not!"  
While Harry slept that night, someone moved the other bed into his room for Ron to sleep it, and Harry noticed that the door to the girls' bedroom had been unlocked and the beds fitted with clean sheets. He went downstairs for breakfast and decided to walk around outside in the beautiful weather while he waited for his guests to arrive.  
They did arrive around noon. Harry heard them before he saw them. He heard a car pull in front of the house, then footsteps and voices, then a scream and the sounds of three people shouting out hexes. He ran around to the front of the house just as his friends ran to the back, and they met halfway in the side yard.  
"You'll never guess who we just saw!" exclaimed Ginny.  
"Rita Skeeter!" said Hermione, with a look of disgust on her face.  
"I reckon she was trying to spy on you!" Ron said.  
Harry clapped his hand to his head. "You didn't just hex her, did you?" he asked.  
"Yeah," said Ron. "You don't care, do you?"  
"Actually, I do," Harry said. "You see, Rita's Lupin's wife."  
Harry led his friends into the house and down the stairs to the kitchen. "Hello Ron, Hermione, Ginny," said Lupin with a smile. "We're having something special for lunch in honor of your arrival!" He reached into a white bag and pulled out a sub.  
"How is that special?" asked Harry.  
"This is the New Chicken Teriyaki Sub that's Only Six Grams of Fat!" said Lupin with the enthusiasm of someone talking about a new expensive Christmas present he just received.  
"Oh joy," said Harry, taking a seat. Ron, Hermione, and Ginny took seats at the table as well.  
A few moments later, Rita entered the room limping and looking slightly disheveled. She scowled as she sat down at the table, but when Remus put a New Chicken Teriyaki Sub that's Only Six Grams of Fat in front of her, she looked positively delighted.  
"It's amazing that something could taste so good and only be six grams of fat!" she exclaimed after only one bite. Harry and the others rolled their eyes, though they had to admit that the sub was quite good.  
Harry and his friends went upstairs after lunch to talk. "So you said McGonagall sent you a letter that talked about the Order?" asked Ron.  
"Yeah, it was really odd. I thought everyone was all worried about keeping things secret," said Harry.  
"Yeah, so did I."  
"How has your scar been behaving?" Ginny asked.  
"Actually," started Harry, "I just had a dream the first night I got here." He proceeded to tell them about the dream.  
"Harry, I'm beginning to think the Occlumency lessons were a good idea." said Ron nervously.  
"This is serious," said Ginny. "You should tell Dumbledore."  
Harry, Ron, and Ginny looked over at Hermione, expecting her to say something.  
"Well?" said Harry.  
Hermione folded her arms and said to the lace curtains, "I still can't get past the fact that Lupin would marry that awful - awful - person!"  
  
**I forgot the disclaimer on the last chapter: I don't own anything that belongs to JK Rowling. There** 


	3. By the Light of the Moon

Chapter Three: By the Light of the Moon  
  
For the next couple of weeks, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny hung around the house, finished homework, and talked about how much fun school would be this year. Harry was allowed back on the Quidditch team, they were a year away from N.E.W.T.s, and Professor McGonagall said herself that they would be perfectly safe and there was nothing to worry about.  
They tried their hardest to stay clear of Rita Skeeter, but this meant staying away from Lupin as well, so they didn't see much of him. There was one Order of the Phoenix meeting in the middle of the month in which Harry caught glimpses of Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Snape, as well as Mr. and Mrs. Weasley, Mad-Eye Moody, Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Mundungus Fletcher, and some of the other Order members whom he didn't know very well. This was exciting at the beginning, but Harry and his friends soon realized that without Fred and George, they were unable to hear what was going on in the meeting. Furthermore, they were forced to share company with Rita Skeeter who, for as hard as Lupin tried, did not get inducted into the Order.  
Other than at this meeting, Harry saw nothing of the other order members except for Tonks who came by with some sausages one rainy afternoon. Harry, who had eaten nothing but subs for the past couple of weeks, was very grateful for the sausages and was sad to see her leave.  
Harry continued to have dreams from the vantage point of Lord Voldemort from which he would wake tangled in his covers and screaming in pain. The others had gotten used to this behavior and ignored it as they would Mrs. Black's screaming curses.  
On the morning of the last day of summer, Harry awoke, as usual, from a horrible nightmare, one in which Harry, as Voldemort, had strapped an unknown gentleman to a pole and was whipping him.  
"Wake up, Harry! It's three in the afternoon," said a voice in Harry's ear.  
Harry opened his eyes and untangled himself. He looked up to find Albus Dumbledore staring down on him. "Oh, hello Professor Dumbledore," said Harry.  
"Hello Harry," said Dumbledore cheerfully. "How is your holiday?"  
"Lovely," said Harry a little confused. "Was I - screaming just now?" he asked.  
"Of course you were," said Dumbledore. "That's nothing new. Come on downstairs and I'll fix breakfast. Remus and Rita have gone out for the day, and I'm babysitting. I'll expect they won't be home until tomorrow morning."  
Harry thought for a moment. "They're going out tonight? But tonight's a full moon!"  
Dumbledore smiled and said, "They love each other too much for that to matter. Come along downstairs now. Your friends are waiting."  
Dumbledore left and Harry started to get dressed. Babysit? He thought. I'm sixteen; I don't need a babysitter. Neither do Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. I wonder what this is all about. And Rita and Lupin are going out on a full moon. They're lying to me again! Everyone always lies to me! They think I'm a child, but I'm not! Oh, I'm so angry! I hate everyone! Suddenly Harry heard a voice chuckle.  
"So Harry Potter's PMS-ing again, I see," said Phineas Nigellus from the portrait on the wall.  
"What?" Harry looked up, confused.  
"I used the Legilimens curse. I thought it would be a bit of fun to break into your mind." He chuckled again.  
"I should have learned Occlumency when I had the chance," Harry muttered to himself.  
"What?" asked Phinneas Nigellus.  
"Occlumency."  
"What is Occlumency?" asked Phinneas. "I've never heard that word in all my life. Nor my death," he added.  
"It's when you can prevent someone from breaking into your mind," replied Harry.  
Phineas laughed this time, long and low. "That sort of thing doesn't even exist!"  
"Well how come Snape tried to teach it to me last year? He said it was to keep Voldemort from inserting thoughts into my head."  
Phineas laughed again. "There is no such thing, you foolish boy! Snape probably just made that up as an excuse to see into your mind!"  
"That perv!" yelled Harry. He took off out of the room and down the stairs.  
He was greeted in the kitchen by Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and Dumbledore, all looking extremely cheerful. "Hi Harry!" called Ron. "Isn't it swell that Dumbledore gets to babysit us?" He turned to Dumbledore and said, "We're going to have a lot of fun!"  
Ginny turned to Harry and said apologetically, "I'm sorry about Ron. Ever since that incident at the Department of Mysteries last year, Ron's been acting stupid sometimes. He's better for the most part, but when he gets real excited he gets like this." Ron was now on the floor, hugging Dumbledore around the knees with an expression of pure bliss upon his face.  
  
"How did you sleep, Harry?" asked Hermione, attempting to change the subject from Ron, who was now telling Dumbledore how nifty he thought his shoes were.  
"Not very well," said Harry. "I had another one of those awful dreams. I think they're getting more frequent. Perhaps Voldemort's building up his strength so he can come and finish me off."  
"Nonsense," said Hermione. "Voldemort can't get you as long as Dumbledore's around."  
"You're right," Harry sighed. "I just wish these dreams could stop."  
"Maybe you can resume Occlumency lessons this year."  
Hearing this, Dumbledore burst out laughing. "Occlumency lessons!" he shrieked, tears coming to his eyes. "What a joke! I can't believe everyone fell for it so well!" Hermione and Ginny looked confused, but Harry held his breath while Dumbledore said, "Snape just wanted to see into Harry's mind! Of course I had to let him because every man deserves his share of erotica, and pornography isn't allowed at Hogwarts." At this, Harry looked positively disgusted. "He didn't particularly want to see your thoughts, Harry, it just seemed like such a good excuse though, what with Voldemort sneaking into your thoughts as well."  
"What a pervert!" yelled Hermione. "I can't believe he would do such a thing! What's the spell again?"  
"Legilimens."  
Harry suddenly became aware that he was very hungry. He turned to Dumbledore and said, "You mentioned something about fixing breakfast?"  
"Oh yes. Dumbledore replied. Well, all wizards have their limitations. As you well know, I am a very powerful wizard, and am especially well-known for my conjuring powers. Conjuring food items, however, is one of my weak points. I can only offer you fried egg sandwiches."  
"Fried egg sandwiches?" asked Ron, emerging from his stupor. "We're dirt poor and even my mum can afford better."  
"Well," said Dumbledore. "It's either that or subs."  
"Fried egg sandwiches it is!" exclaimed everyone in unison.  
"Very well." With a flick of his wand, Dumbledore conjured a plate of fried egg sandwiches that rotated silently in midair.  
The fried egg sandwiches turned out to be very good, and after everyone had their share of them, the party made their way into the drawing room. They sat on chairs for several minutes before Harry said, "Well, what do we do now?"  
"Since Dumbledore's a babysitter," said Ron, "I think we should do things that babysitters normally do."  
Hermione said, "I was at camp once years ago, and a girl there told me a frightening story about a babysitter."  
"How did it go?" asked Dumbledore.  
"There was a babysitter, and she was babysitting two children who were both asleep."  
"That's it then!" shouted Dumbledore with his index finger pointing upward; clearly a light bulb must have turned on inside his head. "You must all go to sleep!"  
"But I wasn't finished with the story!" Hermione retorted.  
"Then what happens next?"  
"Well, the babysitter was watching a marathon of Mary Tyler Moore Show reruns."  
Before Hermione even finished her sentence, Dumbledore flicked his wand and several people spewed out the end. Ron was the first to register who these people were, and he consequently got all excited and stupid.  
"It's Mary Tyler Moore!" he exclaimed. "And Rhoda and Sue Ann and Lou and Ted! I'm your biggest fan!" Before the others could stop him, Ron climbed atop a coffee table and was telling the Mary Tyler Moore crew how he was going to make it after all.  
"Ron, get down here!" Ginny called, exasperated. Then, noticing that Mary, Rhoda, Sue Ann, Lou, and Ted had all turned to look her way, she said, "I don't know him."  
"Come on, Ron," said Harry. "This is not cool."  
Ron either hadn't heard Harry, or he was deliberately ignoring him. He had now begun to march on the coffee table and was saying, "Watch Mary! Watch Ted! I'm going to do a number from Apocalypse Now: The Musical!" He began to sing and do a corny dance: "I love the smell of napalm in the morning! (bum bum bum) Oh I love the smell of napalm in the morning! Napalm smells so good, oh yes it does! Napalm, napalm in the moooooorning!"  
"This is getting ridiculous!" shouted Hermione.  
"And here comes the men's chorus!" called Ron. He sang, "Napalm! Napalm! (bum bum bum) Napalm! Napalm!" He called again, "And the women's chorus!" He sang, "Ooh ooh napalm smells so great! Oh napalm! Ooh ooh."  
"Don't make me curse you!" yelled Harry.  
"And here comes Robert Duvall's character!" Ron was beginning to sweat, but he began to dance ever faster, and putting on a Robert Duvall sounding voice, sang, "The greatest smelling smell in the world is napalm! But not napalm in the evening, or even in the afternoon, it's morning! Napalm in the mo-or-ning!!" Ron took a bow, and when he looked up, Mary, Rhoda, Sue Ann, Lou, and Ted all disappeared with a poof.  
"Look what you did, Ron!" accused Ginny.  
"Yes, you made them disappear!" whined Hermione.  
"No," said Dumbledore. "I made them disappear. They couldn't stick around all day."  
"Huh? What?" asked Ron who suddenly came to and was wondering why the hell he was bowing on a coffee table. "What just happened?"  
"We were all just about to go to bed," replied Dumbledore.  
"Aw, but do we have to?" moaned Harry.  
Dumbledore assumed a stern tone of voice and said, "Yes. Now march!" Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny all marched upstairs and went to bed. They didn't leave their room the whole night, but Harry could hear the voices of Dumbledore and all the characters from the Mary Tyler Moore Show conversing downstairs right up until he finally drifted off to sleep.  
Harry awoke early the next morning. He didn't know what time it was, but as Ron was still snoring in the next bed, Harry knew it must still be early. Downstairs, he heard the front door jerk open and Mrs. Black begin to scream. There was the usual conversation between Mrs. Black and Rita Skeeter: "Blood traitors are tainting the noble house of Black!" "Shut your face you dreadful, bitter, cow!" He heard the curtains shut and the screaming cease. There were footsteps going up the stairs which stopped right outside of his bedroom. Then the door opened and in walked Rita looking greatly exhausted and wearing yesterday's robes.  
"Harry?" she said. "Oh good, you're awake. "It's seven o'clock now and Mrs. Figg is coming to get you at ten. Wake up the others. There are some subs downstairs for breakfast."  
"All right," said Harry. He sat up and put his glasses on. "Where were you?" he asked.  
"I was out with Remus. I'm very tired though, so I think I'll go to bed. Make sure you're ready for Mrs. Figg at ten; she'll drive you to King's cross."  
"OK," said Harry. "'Night." Rita turned to leave the room and Harry woke up Ron. After they were dressed and ready, they went across the hall to wake Hermione and Ginny.  
Their trunks were already packed, so all they had to do was carry them downstairs and wait. They thought about eating breakfast, but decided that they would rather wait a few hours for some pumpkin pasties than eat subs now.  
Mrs. Figg arrived in her wide convertible promptly at ten. Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny bade farewell to Mrs. Black who replied, "Good riddance, filthy scum!" They loaded their trunks into the back of the car before settling into the seats.  
"Are you ready to go back to Hogwarts?" Mrs. Figg asked.  
"Readier than ever," replied Harry with a smile. 


End file.
